The topic for today is about marriage. It depends on how you look at marriage; it can be a blessing for some and for some it may be a menace. Those who are not married definitely think of it as a blessing; those who are married but unfortunately are unhappy in their marriage would look at it in a cynical way. A Hadith states that ‘The worst among you {Muslims} are those who are not married.’ However, this is a fabricated Hadith.
Marriage is a blessing from Allah azza wa jal, it is a favor from Allah upon those whom He favors. This is mentioned clearly in the Qur’an; Allah azza wa jal says in the Qur’an, “And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves that you may find repose in them and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” Three things are mentioned in this Ayah: Repose, Affection and Mercy; any marriage that has these three ingredients is a successful marriage and any marriage that does not have these in it, is a disaster, it is a tribulation, it is a calamity; it is a trial from Allah azza wa jal. If you are unable to attain these things in your marriage, it is best that you call it off, because this is not something that you should continue to have. The essence of marriage is to have repose, affection and mercy. However, if the husband is dominating and if he has no mercy in his heart or if he does not show affection to his wife; or when he goes to the house and the wife starts demanding things and makes his life hell; this is not a marriage, this is like prison-life for both of them.
We are going to list a number of benefits of marriage so that those who do not have a wife would be encouraged to look for one. Moreover, those who already have a wife may be encouraged to look for another one. Is this Haraam? Of course, this is Halal. I am not sure about the statistics in England but in general, the women outnumber the men. We have many sisters who are unmarried, who will marry them? Definitely, we have to find a solution because if she were my real sister or daughter then I would want her to get married even to someone who already has a wife because something is better than nothing!!
One of the benefits of marriage is that, those who are married have accomplished a lot in Islam. By getting married? Is it possible? Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “When a person gets married, he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the other half.” When I get married, I get half of my religion fulfilled and completed! The scholars say, ‘Yes’, the Hadith is clear, it is a Sahih Hadith. Scholars say that two things cause the problems that Muslims face: ‘The desires of the mouth and the desires of the private parts’. Therefore, getting married takes care of the latter part. Someone may say, “Sheikh, I am married but I am unable to avoid Haram; I still watch porn, I still go to chat rooms, I still flirt with women!” ‘You have a problem.’ Allah azza wa jal has blessed you, has favored you, He has provided for you the means of protecting your chastity. You are a pervert; if you are still looking somewhere else then the problem is in you. Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam told us that once you fulfill your sexual desire, you will not be willing to look elsewhere. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam tells us in an authentic Hadith, “Whenever one of you sees a woman that he likes or desires by accident {not by will; looking at a non-Mahram woman on purpose is Haraam. If you are walking down and you accidently see someone you like} then go back to your wife because your wife has what that woman has!” This Hadith is a bit graphic but at the end of the day, it is the reality; women are all the same. Hence, once any man fulfills his desire, he is not even willing to look at any other woman {for a time being}. You have to appreciate this gift from Allah azza wa jal; its half your religion {being married} the other half comes from what you consume; whether its materialistic things like food and drink or it is Riba, interest, bribery and other Haram things which you keep on collecting. In Islam, it is called ‘eating Haram’; you are not actually eating it, you are ‘gaining it’, you are ‘dealing with it’ but it is considered to be ‘eating Haraam’.
One of the benefits of being married is that you protect your chastity. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “O, young men, whoever among you can afford it, get married.” ‘Affording it’ comes in two forms: Financially and physically. Youngsters are physically fit; over qualified {not only fit but’ over qualified.} They will say ‘find a solution.’ The other part is finance. Therefore, if you are capable of finding the means to get married then you should do so for ‘it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding ones chastity.’ This is a fact; those who are married do not go around looking left and right. It is much easier for them to lower their gaze because they tasted what marriage is and they are happy with what Allah azza wa jal has given them. Even those who are not happy with what Allah has given them, they are still content in the sense that Alhamdulillah, their desire is ‘fulfilled.
Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam says, “and whoever cannot afford it, let him fast.” I get tens of mails from students: ‘Is masturbation Halal? Can we do this? Can we do that? We have a lot of Fitnah!’ The answer is ‘No.’ what is the ruling then? Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “Whoever cannot afford to get married, let him Fast.” They might respond, “Sheikh, Fasting is difficult.” Well, entering hell and being punished’ in fire is more difficult to bear. If you do not want to end up in hellfire then you should stop that sin, because you know Allah azza wa jal is going to punish you for sinning. Therefore, you fast and this will keep your Ee’man intact, it grows your amount of chastity and it helps you to lower your gaze. Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “Let him fast, it will be a shield for him” this Hadith was reported in Bukhari and Muslim, therefore it is an agreed upon Hadith.
Part of the points that one should pay attention to is that getting married is part of the Sunnah of all the Messengers of Allah. All the messengers of Allah were married {even Jesus? Well, we cannot tell because we do not have evidence whether he got married or not but we know that he will descend back on earth, he will get married and will have offspring.} Allah azza wa jal says about His prophets, “And indeed We send Messengers before you {Muhammad} and made for them wives and offspring.” Therefore, always when you do something, have this in your intention that I am following the Sunnah of the Messengers of Allah; so it will become a double reward: marrying in itself and your intention of following the Sunnah. Moreover, of course if it is the Sunnah of the Messengers of Allah, it is also the Sunnah of the greatest Messenger of Allah and that is Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam. Did the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam marry? Yes and he married a number of women who are our mothers.
Anas {May Allah be pleased with him} reported: Three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam to inquire about the worship of the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam. When they were informed, they considered their own worship insignificant and said, “Where are we in comparison with the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam while Allah has forgiven his past and future sins.” They thought, “We need forgiveness, we need many good deeds!” therefore, one of them stood up and said, “I will pray the whole night without sleeping!” the second one said, “I will fast without ever breaking it!”{Meaning, ‘I will fast every single day; the whole year.’} The third one said, “I will not marry; I will not marry at all!” When the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam heard about this he was upset and he went to the pulpit and after praising Allah, he said, “Why do you people say such and such. By Allah, I fast and I break my fast; I pray and I sleep and I marry women. Whoever chooses a path or a way other than mine then he is not from me!” {Meaning that, ‘he is not following my Sunnah.’} Therefore, those who live a life of celibacy are going against the Sunnah and it is not permissible. You have to get married but this depends on the five rulings that apply to marriage. Marriage can be 1.’Mandatory’ 2. ’Recommended’. 3. Permissible’. 4. ‘Disliked’. 5.’Haraam’. {Depending on the individual}
Now if you ask people, “What is the most that you want in this world?” someone would say, “I want a mortgage-free house.” The other might say, “The latest Porsche convertible.” Some might say, “I would like a high position in the company.” However, Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam is educating and indicating to us, “The best thing in this world… {Worldly connected} This world is transient comforts, this is something that you enjoy but it is sure to end and the best of the comforts of this world is a righteous woman,” this Hadith was reported in Muslim. Imagine that you complete half your Deen, you fulfill your desires and you get the best in this world when you marry a righteous and Allah fearing woman. By marrying, you are not only doing something that pleases Allah, you are doing something that can have benefits for you in this life as well. One would say, “I am poor, I am a student. I can barely get money to go to college and you want me to get married?” Well, if you have this sincere intention of getting married, for the sake of preserving your chastity and with the intention of pleasing Allah azza wa jal then Allah will help you. You have to believe in this, you have to have the conviction that this is a fact. Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam tells us in an authentic Hadith, “There are three kinds of people who are entitled to Allah’s help:
1. The one who’ fights for the sake of Allah! Allah will help him.
2. Al Mukatab, the one who wants to pay the price of his freedom, a Mukatab is a slave. {in Islam we do not send the prisoners of war into Guantanamo to be tortured. POWs are sold and distributed’ to Muslims so that they serve them in their houses and they become slaves. If they accept Islam then Alhamdulillah, it is one of the greatest means of converting them to Islam, when they live with Muslims in their houses and they see how they {Muslims} fear Allah, they turn into Islam. This captivity becomes the main source of them entering paradise. In an authentic Hadith Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “I am astonished at seeing people being dragged into paradise with chains in their necks and hands.” Who are these people? The prisoners of wars who were Non Muslims, they were captives, the chains were put in their necks and hands but after a while they accepted Islam and these chains caused them to enter paradise. Therefore, it is for their sake, it is for the best of their interest. However, in Islam, Alhamdulillah, there is a way of freeing themselves. There are many ‘expiations’ in our Deen; if we did something wrong in certain ways of worship then on top of the list for its expiation is always ‘Free a slave.’ Islam does not promote slavery; on the contrary, it promotes freeing them. If you swear on Allah on doing something and you are unable to do it or you want to break your promise, what do you do? ‘Free a slave.’ If you had intercourse during the day of Ramadan while fasting, what is the penalty? ‘Free a slave.’ If you killed someone by accident, what is the first form of expiation? ‘Free a slave.’ If you say to your wife, “I will not touch you, you are like my mother,” what is the first form of compensation for that? You have to ‘Free a slave.’ The list goes on and on; so a Mukatab {Prisoner of war} is a person who wants to free himself but he does not have any money so he goes to his master and says, “Master, I will buy myself from you, how much do you want?” If the master says, “2000 pounds, in a duration of 10 months,” so the man goes and works outside and collects money until he is capable of gathering the said amount and giving it to his master and freeing himself. This is the second person that Allah will help according to the above-mentioned Hadith.
3)A person who gets married seeking chastity. If this is your intention then Allah azza wa jal will help you; not only financially but through all the aspects because marriage is important in Islam. Allah azza wa jal will help you financially, Allah will provide for you if you want to get married because marriage is a source of income. Do you believe in this or you believe that marriage is a source of spending money unwisely? {If you look at the wedding expenses, if you look at the dowry that people pay, when you look at the conditions that the bride’s family put; this is ridiculous, this has got nothing to do with Islam, it has to do with customs, it has to do with anything other than Islam.}
Marriage is a means of income. Allah azza wa jal says in the Qur’an, “And marry those amongst you who are single and the pious, fit and capable ones of your male slaves and female servants, if they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His bounty.” These are Allah’s words, Allah is promising, if they were to be poor, Allah azza wa jal will provide for them. Now those who are not married, you have to believe in the Qur’an, if you do not have the means, Allah azza wa jal will provide for you.
However, the problem is, sometimes we put forward many conditions and we put obstacles that may hinder the process. If you are poor, if you are a student and you do not have money, still you want your wife to be the most beautiful woman on earth, she should know Bukhari and Muslim by heart and she should also’ know the whole Qur’an by heart. Before she started practicing Islam, she should have been the perfect dancer and a very good singer; SubhanAllah, what are you looking for? What you are looking for is in Jannah, not here! In addition, the person has nothing to show about himself, for what he is asking! When you want to get married, you want to preserve and protect your chastity so do not put conditions: ‘I like her to be this height, this fair color, this level of education and preferably she should provide for me financially!’ This is not how it works: if you want to preserve your chastity then take a wife who will fulfill this need of yours. If you put so many conditions then you have a problem.
One of the other benefits of being married is, it keeps you fit {usually the ones who are married are mentally fitter than those who are not.} Why do I say ‘usually’ because’ sometimes the wife just blows your mind away with her nagging, her constant mental abuse. The females are extremely well educated in how to poke you and abuse you in ways that you cannot even anticipate. Of course some men have this in them too but they have an extra drawback, of harming the wives physically too. By Allah azza wa jal, these are not among the best of the Muslims, on the contrary they are among the worst of Muslims!
It is a means of reward to be good to your wife and Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam tells us, “The best among you all are those who are best to their wives.” Therefore, you {men} are the one who is supposed to go the extra mile and you are one who is supposed to be tolerant. You have to do your best to cater for her needs and to tolerate her {for some of the wrong things that she does}
In a study of 35000 cases in 15 countries, Dr Kate Scott, {not a Muslim} of Otago, Willington University in New Zealand, concluded after this thorough study that marriage helps in reducing depression and psychological pressure. Allah azza wa jal has made repose between spouses. What did Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam do when he saw the Arc Angel Jibreel alaihissalam, who told him to recite, “Iqra?” Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam was scared and was shivering when he came back home to his wife Khadijah {may Allah be pleased with her}. [Many men have reached perfection in the Deen, but amongst the women, there are only four, who reached this level of perfection and they are: 1) Asiya, the wife of Pharaoh, 2) Mari am, mother of Isa alaihissalam, 3) Khadijah and 4) Fatima, daughter of our Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam.] Khadijah was one of them. What quality did she have that the other women do not have? The minute Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam came trembling and shaking, afraid of what he had seen, {because he saw Jibreel {Peace be upon him} on his throne in the original form in which Allah created him.} What was the original form? The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “I saw him on his throne blocking the horizon.” When you are in a desert, your horizon is very big. In the desert, what can block your horizon? It has to be something that is extremely huge. He [Jibreel] had 600 wings, and from these wings, pearls, emeralds, rubies and other precious stones were falling down.} Therefore, Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam came back home shaking, shivering and afraid. Khadijah {May Allah be pleased with her} did not say what women usually say these days, like, “Why did you come late?”, “Why didn’t you get the groceries?” or “You always make things up so that I should feel sorry for you!” She never did anything like that. She immediately brought something to cover him up. Look at the love! If I come home with a fever, I look tired and pale and my wife says, “You always do this, just because you know that we are supposed to go out for dinner; you never wanted to take us out anyway so don’t pretend!” there is no affection and there is no mercy. When I see her carrying the dishes, and she trembles and falls, I say, ‘Alhamdulillah!’ What kind of love is this? Is this what love is? Khadijah immediately asked him what was wrong. When he told her, she said, “Do not be afraid. By Allah, Allah would not turn you down because you are always honest and kind with everyone,” then she started listing his good qualities that would give him courage and confidence. This is a real wife. This is a real woman. With such a wife, would a man ever feel depressed or psychologically pressured? ‘Never’ ‘This is the reason we find those who are happily married would always share their secrets {not their previous sins!} One of the brothers came to me and said, “I did a big mistake, in a moment of transparency, I told my wife that I had an affair before marriage, and all hell broke loose.” Are you crazy to go and tell your spouse about your life before marriage? This is Haraam Islamically, {for both males and females} because Allah had concealed your sins, and now you are exposing them.
Therefore, this is the wife {like Khadijah radiAllahu anha} you should look for; the wife you could talk to and share with her your secrets, your problems, and your worries. Likewise, you are also supposed to listen to what she has to say about things that occupy her mind, about the things that bother her and give her the repose that both of you should exchange.
Among the benefits of marriage is that it is a means of getting a reward from Allah that those who are not married cannot get. The only way of getting such rewards from Allah is by getting married. Such as:
1. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam tells us in an authentic Hadith that when a man has intimacy with his wife, he is rewarded. The Companions were shocked. They asked him, “Are we rewarded for fulfilling our desire?” The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “Yes. If one does it in a Haraam way, would he be sinful?” They said. “Yes.” He said, “Likewise, if one fulfills it in a Halal way, it is a means of charity and reward.” What a beautiful religion this is! You can enjoy your life; you are not supposed to put yourself in a box and bury yourself. Enjoy your life to the fullest, and Allah will reward you for that. All what Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala asks of you is that you worship Him and stay away from what is Haraam; is that much to ask? The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “Avoid forbidden things, and you will become the most righteous person on earth.” If you want to become a good and righteous person, you must avoid sins. You do not have to spend six to seven hours in night prayers, you do not have to give all of your money in charity, rather, avoid sins. Among the things that only married people can enjoy and are rewarded’ for is this:
2. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “No matter what you spend on your wife, you will be rewarded for it; even for a morsel of food that you put in your wife’s mouth.” Imagine, if you have a good intention, everyday that you go and buy groceries, what do you do when you return home with two big bags full of grocery? The wife says, “Ma Sha Allah, Jazak Allahu khairan, may Allah grant you reward and more money for what you spend on us.” Then the man says, “It cost me 75 pounds”, and he pulls out the receipt. Why are you doing this? Why are you rubbing it in her face? Do you just want to make it bad for your wife? She is thanking you, and the least you can do is ask Allah to reward her as well. Why do you have to show her that you spent so much on the groceries? You are the one who is going to eat it as well! If you anticipate the reward from Allah, for every morsel you put in her mouth, Allah azza wa Jal will consider this as a charity. I asked some of the brothers, “When was the last time you put a morsel of food in your wife’s mouth?” They say, “25 years ago, on our wedding night when we exchanged cakes, and that is it.” “Why don’t you do it now?” They say, “Are you crazy, she’ll bite my fingers off!” There is so much dryness in the relationships with our spouses.
Whenever Aishah {May Allah be pleased with her} took a bite from a piece of meat, the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam would take the piece from her, see where the marks of her teeth were and would eat from the same place. Whenever she would drink milk from a cup, he would turn the cup and drink from the same place that she drank from’. Look at the love! I know millions of cases where the husband tells his wife to go and get a spoon for him; when she tells him to use her spoon, he says, “Are you crazy? Go wash it first.” What is this? What are you doing? Where is the love? They say, “Wallahi, sheikh, I don’t know where the love has gone.” I know where the love has gone; it went down the drain when she washed the spoon she ate with; you have a problem and you have to fix it. It is a means of reward in Islam to show affection to your spouse. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “The best of you are those who are best to their wives.” Therefore, if you are not married, you cannot have this reward, because you do not have a wife to be good to.
3. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam also indicated that among the benefits of marrying is when you marry a virgin. He asked Jabir ibn Abdullah whether he had gotten married. When he said yes, he asked him whether he married a virgin or a non-virgin. He replied that he married a non-virgin. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “Why not a virgin with whom you would play, and who would play with you?” A virgin is different from a non-virgin. Jabir explained himself. He said, “My father was martyred in a battle and he left half a dozen girls and I did not want to bring another girl to them.” He wanted to have someone who was mature, someone who was experienced in life, so that she would take care of his sisters. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam prayed to Allah to bless his marriage. Among the rewards that you can only get by getting married is:
4. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “All that does not have Zikr in it is amusement, except four things…” Therefore, whatever we do that does not have Zikr, like playing football; is amusement. There is no reward in it. {In fact, there is sin in it if you do it at the prayer times and skip your Salah or if you are wearing shorts that are above the knees or breaking other people’s legs.} Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam mentioned one among the four being playing or having intimacy with your spouse. Subhan Allah, it is a means of reward, although there is no zikr of Allah azza wa Jal in it, but because it preserves both spouse’s chastity, there is a reward in it.
5. Among the benefits of marriage is ‘reproduction’, which is an important aspect in Islam; we are instructed’ in Islam to have as many children as we can. {Nowadays if people have one child they say, “Alhamdulillah, it’s more than enough!” Maybe if they have two, they consider they have made it; they block all means, do it surgically or whatever ways possible.} The more children you have, the better a Muslim you are, of course, if you give them a good life and that you bring them up in an Islamic way, not that you reproduce and you throw them to the streets. There are people who have many children, while they do not know anything about them. {I know a brother who has children, and when I ask him concerning one of his son’s year in school, he says he does not know. This is not correct; you should take care of your children.} Reproduction is the supplication of Zachariah and Ibraheem [Peace be upon both of them]. They asked Allah azza wa Jal and He granted them children when they were extremely old. If you don’t have kids then keep asking Allah azza wa Jal even if you reach an old age. Ibraheem [Peace be upon him] had his first child when he was 70 or 80 years old. Sulaiman [Peace be upon him], a king and a Prophet, had one hundred wives, and he said, “By Allah, I will sleep with them all and I will have one hundred fighters in the cause of Allah.” Look at his intention, which is to have children, to have men who would serve the cause of Allah azza wa Jal and of His religion.
One of the greatest benefits of reproduction is that after you die, your legacy continues through a righteous son. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “When someone dies, all of his deeds come to an end except three things: Sadaqah Jaariyah, {ongoing charity} beneficial knowledge which he left behind and a righteous child who will pray for him.” He mentioned one of them being a righteous child who supplicates for his father.
A man by the name Maqal bin Yasar came to the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam, and said, “O Prophet of Allah, I have found a woman who is of good lineage and who is beautiful, but she cannot have children. Should I marry her?” The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “No.” The man repeated his question a second time, and a third time, and each time the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “No.” Then the Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “Marry those who are loving and fertile.” It is an essential thing in marriage that you reproduce, that you have children. One would ask ‘how to know if my wife-to-be is fertile.’ The scholars say that this can be known’ by looking at her relatives. Therefore, if she has sisters and all of them are married and have children, this means that the possibility is quite high that she will also be fertile. If, for example, she has three sisters, and none of them was able to have children, he should refrain. This does not mean that it is Haraam to marry someone who cannot have children,’ it means that she should not be your first option. She can be your second option, if you already have a wife and children, and you want to marry her. This is permissible, in sha Allah.
6. One of the benefits of marriage is to have in-laws. {Perhaps it is a menace here in England to have in-laws, but in Arabia, generally speaking, we are proud to have in-laws} When one marries a woman who has many relatives, it makes me a stronger person. It makes me an honorable person to have so many people who know me. Therefore, I would do them favors, and, in turn, they would do me favors. However, if I were by myself, this would not be possible.
7. Among the benefits of marriage is the protection of society. A society in which the people do not get married will have a lot of tribulation. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said, “If there comes to you, {to propose for marriage to your daughter} one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased with, then marry your daughter to him. For if you do not do that, there will be tribulation [Fitnah] and widespread corruption on earth.” This is obvious. After World War 2, in countries like Germany and France, where many of the men had perished and died, there were many women available. Moreover, because one man took as a wife only one woman, there were surplus women. It is natural that women have to beautify themselves and fulfill their natural desires and this causes widespread prostitution and many marital problems. Islam fights this, it gives you the solution and it gives you the alternative in such cases.
In the end, I advice you all to get married, it is a bittersweet experience; it will always be sweet, with the grace of Allah, if you have good intention. There are many things to fulfill like responsibilities, obligations and rights of the spouses over each other to have a successful marriage.
The quotations from the Qur’an and Hadiths in this article are a rough translation of the meanings of the original text!
The rules of war in Islam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8atRcsUrWc