Allah the Almighty tells us in the Qur’an, which translates to: “And among the signs is this, that he created for you wives from among yourselves that you may find repose in them and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily in this are signs for a people who reflect.” By far marriage is one of greatest blessings of Allah the Almighty upon the people and one of the greatest blessings in the marriage is to find the proper spouse.
The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, describing this blessing, said, “The world is transient comforts and the best of these comforts of this world is a righteous woman.” This goes without saying about the husband as well. So if a woman is fortunate in having a good husband then this is paradise on the earth for her and likewise for a man to have a good and righteous and loving wife that would be his paradise on earth. Unfortunately this is not the case. We all know that every woman knows that a husband can be hell and can be paradise and likewise a woman can be your nightmare and can also be your fantasy. I was requested to speak about ways and means of increasing love between the spouses but unfortunately I need someone to give me a similar class or to teach me this because I was looking for this for a long time.
But seriously when you want to reach to this level of increasing the love between you and your wife or between you and your husband, this is for a woman of course {in this country anything is possible, but I am talking about a normal Muslims} first of all you cannot reach this level of love, you cannot work on increasing it before going into the basics and that is knowing your rights and knowing the obligations and duties that you have to do. Unfortunately we all know our rights yet we seem to neglect our duties and obligations. When you look at the rights and obligations of each party, you’d find that obligations and duties upon the woman are far greater than the duties and obligations of the man towards his wife but the woman has more duties and obligations towards her husband. Why is that? Well, there are many reasons and justifications; the easiest to say is this is what Allah Azza wa Jall has decreed so we have to take it as it is but if you go into some depth you would find that a woman is instructed to focus on her husband and her family and this is the only thing she is supposed to do while the husband on the other hand has to focus on so many things and amongst these is his wife and his family. So if a woman takes real good care of her husband, this can be her gateway to paradise.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam tells us in an authentic Hadith that when a woman prays her 5 daily, mandatory prayers, fasts Ramadan and obeys her husband and fourthly preserves her chastity, if she does these four things she will enter Allah’s paradise; very easy. While the man on the other hand has more than this; the man has to financially provide for his wife and his family so he has to work, the man has to attend his 5 daily prayers in the Masjid, the man has to give zakah for the whole family as in zakat ul Fitr and other financial obligations, he has to, it is his duty to take care of his mother and father. The wife when she is married, she has only to obey her husband and her family to look after. The man has to give Dawa’h, he has to enjoin good and forbid evil, he has to make Jihad, he has to mix with people; the man needs to be tolerant with people while the woman is safe and sound in her house. The only thing that she has to cope-up with is the nastiness of her husband.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam illustrates to us the importance of a husband and he says and the Hadith is narrated by Mu’ad Ibn Jabal {may Allah be pleased with him} he was Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam’s messenger to Yemen and many other places; so when Mu’ad Ibn Jabal saw in Yemen how Christians glorified their kings and how they treated them in a very honorable and respectable way to the extent that they would prostrated to their kings when they greeted them. So Mu’ad when he came back to Madinah, the first thing he did was he prostrated to the Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam, thinking that this is good and the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam immediately made him stand up and said,” What is this Mu’ad? If I were to order someone to prostrate to another individual, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate to her husband.” So even the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam would not allow this to be done to himself yet he said had I ordered anyone to do this, I would have instructed the woman to prostrate to her husband, to make sujood to her husband; why? Just to show us how important the status of a husband should be.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam also forbade a woman from voluntary fasting without the permission of her husband. This shows how huge the responsibility lies on a woman’s shoulders towards her husband. She is not allowed to fast {voluntary fasting} while he is in the house; why? Because he may request or need something from her that she may not fulfill while she’s fasting. She may say,” I can break my fast if he wants something.” No, you have to seek his permission before you fast. You fast for Allah, yes Allah knows this but the husband’s rights in this matter are prior to Allah’s rights. So if it’s not mandatory fasting such as Ramadan or making up the missed fasts of Ramadan, fasts for expiations, these are mandatory, if someone makes Nazar, vows, so it’s mandatory, if she wants to do this, she does not have to seek her husband’s permission but if she fasts every Monday and Thursday, the white days of every lunar month {13th, 14th and 15th} if she fasts a day and skips a day, for these fasts she has to seek her husband’s permission otherwise Allah would not be pleased with her.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam saw one of the women in Madinah and he asked her about this man, she said he was her husband. He asked, “How are you with him?” She said, “O Prophet of Allah I try my level best to be his obedient and loving wife.” So the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, as if he was not convinced or he was convinced but he wanted to remind this point again and again so he said, “Well, do whatever you wish and please, because he is your Jannah and he is your Naar.” He’s your Paradise if you please him and if you are obedient to him and if he’s happy with you and he’s your Hell on The Day Of Judgment, because by not doing this to him Allah will put you into Hell because of displeasing your husband. Women might not like to hear this, well this is our religion. Someone might say, “It’s not fair.” Astaqfirullah! This is Allah’s ruling, it’s not ours, it might be in men’s favor but we all have daughters, mothers, sisters; I would not be happy if just because my wife has all this load on her shoulders but at the same time I have to accept the same load to be put on my daughters, on my mother and on my sisters.
This is Allah’s religion and it’s a test, Allah tests everyone, including men exactly like he’s supposed to be tested. I have heard that personally from many men envying women, saying, “Wallahi you are lucky, you sit at home, doing nothing, you wake up at 10am, 11am, some wake up at Zuhr, all you have to do is take out something from the fridge and put it in the microwave, it is lunch Alhamdullilah. When your husband comes you smile with him for 5 minutes then he sits on the internet and leaves you alone for the rest of the day. You don’t have to do anything! We men do every single thing.” And women say the same thing to men, “You are out driving your car, you are with your friends in the office, you go shopping, you see a lot of things, you do this you do that while we are stuck between 4 walls.” And no one is ever happy.
If you go to a peasant he would say, “I wish I had a big house, a big castle, I wish I had a bunch of cars, I wish I had servants to serve me, I wish I had this, I wish I had that.” While the rich man tells, “I wish I was poor, I wouldn’t have to pay extravagant electricity bills with the heating, with the cars, with the maintenance, with the taxes, with this, with that and I am afraid people might jump in my house to steal my stuff, I would do this, I would do that, I wish I was poor!” Nobody is happy Subhan Allah, except those who are believers, who follow the Qur’an and Sunnah. No matter what happens to them, they will say Alhamdullilah and they are satisfied. If someone tells them, “Akhi your son just died.” They will say, “So what, Almamdullilah, Allah chose this for me and I know that my dead son would intercede for me on The Day Of Judgment, he will pull me by my hand to paradise!” But he’s your son. “If he didn’t die when he was 5 years old, he would still die, even if he dies when he is 95 years old, at the end the result is the same: death.” So a believer is always happy no matter what happens, he’s always content and that is why he’s never angry, he’s never under pressure, he’s always chilling out.
There is a beautiful Hadith where Jibreel Alaihis Salam himself descended from the 7th heaven, went to the Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam and told him, “Say salamualaikum to Khadija {because she couldn’t see him} and tell her that Allah gives her the glad tidings of a house, of a castle, a fortress in Paradise made of a big pearl for her and in it there is no tiredness, nobody would be tired and there is no noise.” So scholars thought about this: why? Why Khadija?
The house we can understand, all Prophet’s Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam wives will get houses in Paradise, definitely. But why these two characteristics in this house for Khadija, may Allah be pleased with her, that she will not be tired in it and she will not hear noise and chaos and shouting. Scholars say that this is because she did exactly the same for the Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam. When he Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam entered the home, she would not let him lift a thing. She would do everything for him. And when the kids wanted things, they wanted to shout, they wanted to play she used to hush them. She would not nag him, she would not request things from him, she would not say to him, “ We need some bread” or “Go get this and that” or “We need to change the furniture” or “Why don’t you paint the house?” or “Why don’t you fix the sink?” or “Why don’t you do this and that?” No. She would not burden him, Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam. When he was in the house, he was in his kingdom. So this reward in Paradise is in accordance to what she had done in the Duniya.
Now, what about the rights of women? Women say, “Okay, we get the picture. We have to put our husbands on a silver plate and keep him comfortable.” What are the rights of women, then? The rights of women are mentioned in the following Hadith, but when we contemplate on this Hadith, we see that these are not all of the rights of the women. A Companion asked the Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam, “What rights does my wife have over me?” The Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam said, “That you should feed her as you feed yourself, and clothe her as you clothe yourself, and you should not say to her ‘May Allah make your face ugly’, and you should not beat her.” This is an authentic Hadith. So now the men say, “That’s all? That’s cool. I’ll bring her an apple every day, so I’m feeding her. And I’ll get her 1 dress every year this is more than enough because she doesn’t need a wardrobe full of dresses. And I won’t say ‘May Allah make your face ugly’ because it’s ugly already!! I won’t say anything to her; I won’t even speak to her.” A lot of women complain to me, “Our husbands stay like a week or two without even saying ‘Assalamualaikum’. He just enters the house, eats, sleeps, goes out with his kids; comes at night, sleeps.
That’s it, as if I am a robot or a maid in the house.” So the husband says, “Yes, I did not say anything. The Prophet Salla Allahu alahi wa Sallam said, ‘Do not say, ‘May Allah make your face ugly.’ ’ I didn’t. Khalaas, that’s more than enough.” And about not beating the wives, the men say, “Beat her?! She’s 6 feet 4; she’ll crush me to death. What are you talking about?” Well, these are not all her rights. These are the minimum of rights that wives have over their husbands. But this is not all. Allah Azza wa Jall says in the Holy Qur’an, “And they (the wives) have rights over their husbands (as regards to living expenses) similar to those of their husbands’ over them (as regards to obedience and respect), to what is reasonable.” So all of this has to be in the limits of Al Ma’roof, she has to obey you but you can’t say to her, “Simon says stand up on your left foot for 6 hours!” and should she say, “I have to obey him.” No, this is not which is reasonable, this is not Ma’roof. You cannot tell her, “Well, today I am angry with you so don’t sit the whole day, keep on standing; you will not obey me? Allah will take you to hellfire!” No, this is not what is meant by obedience. This is dictatorship.
So Allah tells us that we have an edge over women. But this edge is obedience and we support them, we have to provide for them, this is the edge. And the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam said, “The best among you men are the best to their wives.” So if you want to see a real practicing Muslim, ask his wife. And I have seen a lot and a lot of people who pretend to be practicing and their wives call me by phone, Wallahi they say, “O sheikh, MasahaAllah my husband is a very nice man, he goes to the Masjid, he attends religious circles, he drives to different cities to attend seminars, participating in Daw’ah and he hands out leaflets, MashaAllah he does this and he does that.” MashaAllah your husband is like one of the companions of the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam. She would say, “No this the bright side.” Then she goes on telling me the list of the bad things he does, then you would be confused if this is Dr Jackel or Mr Hyde! It’s like a split personality, for people he is MashaAllah excellent but with his wife he is as bad as he can be, Astaqfirullah! The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam tells us, “The best among is the one who is best to his family;” His wife. How can you be so humorous and happy and giggly when you are around your friends but the minute you enter your house, you will be like welcome to the dark side of the force; the guy gets completely transformed, why is that, what did they do so bad? “Amm some 17 years ago she said something disrespectful!” What did she say? “Well, I forgot; who cares but it was disrespectful!” This is not the dealing of the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam at all.
You have to support your wife. The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam said, “Feed her when you feed.” Does this mean that whenever you eat like 2 cheese burgers, you have to get her 2 cheese burgers as well? No, but what it means is that she should also have to have her stomach full; she shouldn’t go hungry while you are full. If you buy like branded suits and expensive shoes, do you have to buy her the same, no, it means that you have to provide for her the minimum clothing acceptable in her environment. You did not take her from a poor place; you took her from her father’s house, if you can afford it, give her the same standard as she was used to when she was at her father’s house. What about if she is rich {lucky you}? Even if she is rich, she’s not supposed to give even one penny of her income or her savings to you. “But sheikh she has a lot of money or she works. At least she can share in the expenses of the house.” No, it’s not her responsibility. If you allow her to work, Jazak Allah Khair, if you don’t want her to work, she has to sit in the house and you have to provide for her and she is not obliged to spend one penny on herself, on her children or on the house.
And spending on the house is a great deed that Allah rewards, you know that. If you spend, if you provide for your family {some people pay the bills as if their hearts are torn with every penny being spend, it’s painful for them} they will be like, “I am paying these huge electricity bill!” Who is enjoying the electricity; who is using it? “Yeah yeah but the family is big!” This hurts him, but it won’t if you think of the great reward.
In the Hadith of K’ab Ibn Ujrah a man who was so agile and active passed by the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam and his companions. And you find some people like this, so energetic. They move from place to the other, they help, they are always active. Some people like me just sit in one place, and maybe sleep for an hour or two before moving. But there are people, Ma Sha Allah, they’re so energetic. So the Companions liked this man. They said, “Ma Sha Allah, Prophet of Allah, if this agility and energy was in the Cause of Allah, it would have been great.” This is their thinking. That this agility, this power, this energy should be directed in the Cause of Allah. What did the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam say? He did not say “Aameen!” He said, “If this agility was in running to provide for his children and family, it is in the Cause of Allah.” One might ask, “I work 8 hours in the morning, is it in the Cause of Allah?” Yes, because we work to put bread on the table; if we don’t then who would provide for the family? So, if I go to work in the morning with this attitude, then my work will be fun, because what I am doing, I am doing for the Sake of Allah Azza wa Jall. Then the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam says, “And if this power and agility and energy is in providing for two old parents of his, then it is in the Cause of Allah.” Wallahi, I know people who wish that their parents die yesterday than today! And if not today, then tomorrow! They’re fed up of them.
Why? They say, “Sheikh, my mother keeps on nagging me. If I don’t call her once every month, she’s always like, ‘Why are you not calling me?’” So you call your Mom just once a month?! “Yeah, yeah she lives far away; she lives like fifty minutes away, in Bradford. I can’t live like this. I have so many things to do.” I see my mother every single day, between Maghrib and Isha. And I still feel that I’m not doing her justice. By Allah, if your mother just raises her hand and says, “May Allah open the door of Mercy and Provision for my son,” Allah will answer her Dua’a. And everything that we are enjoying right now is first, from the Grace of Allah and second, because of the du’a of our mother. You know what happened to the worshipper Juraij when his mother supplicated against him. So, people are like this, they want their parents to die! Are these Believers? No! If they had the good intention of working from 9 to 5 to provide for their parents, they are doing this for the Cause of Allah, they are in Jihaad. The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam tells us, “And if he is working not for anyone but for himself {so that he won’t have to beg and not have to live on others’ donations, he is working for himself just so that no one would give him Sadaqah}, then he is in the Cause of Allah.”
But if he is working to show off and boast that he’s working and doing all this for the above mentioned reasons then this is in the cause of Shaitan. So when you are spending money on your family, you are indeed doing something that is righteous and good.
Now, there are things that increase the love between the spouses. These were compiled by my daughter, may Allah bless her and give her reward. She took the time and wrote these points for me and I edited them, because I told her, “Daughter, you know how I am with your mother. I am a very bad husband. So I need someone to give me some points which may help me improve myself.” And I found many things in these points which are beneficial for me. I applied them and they worked. You know, women are so kind and merciful and sensitive. They get angry so quickly but they are pleased quicker than that. One nice word can make them pleased. Do we have the ability to take the initiative and say this word? Some men say to this, “No, we’re men.” Men are never apologetic.
We break windows, we break plates, we harm people, but we never apologize for what we do. So, among the things that increase love {and you should try this}, you have to accept your spouse for what they are. Accept them as they are. We cannot change people. We do not have the ability to change people and the biggest proof for this is that we can’t even change ourselves. And we want people to change for us? We should first do the changing and then we will find people who are willing to change.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam says in a beautiful Hadith {and this Hadith I always say to people when they are having conflicts with each other, not only husbands and wives but even relatives, friends, neighbors, etc.}, “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” It’s a matter of balance. A sister just called me and kept talking for about 20-25 minutes about her husband {without realizing it’s an international call}. She was saying everything that is bad about him, “He doesn’t spend time with us; he’s always at work from 9am to 11pm. Nothing but work! He never spends quality time, he never takes me out, he never sits with me to drink a cup of tea.” And she kept on talking, Ma Sha Allah.
Then I asked her one question, “Is he that bad?” She said, “No, no, he is a very nice person, he is very generous, he is kind-hearted, he is, Wallahi, he is Miskeen (poor), Sheikh.” She is now herself calling him a poor man, as if she is confessing that she is giving him hell. So I said, “Subhanallah, couldn’t you find any excuse for him? Who is he working for?” And I told her that, “So many women are calling me and complaining that their husbands don’t have a job and they have to support their husbands. And I have other women telling me that their husbands prevent them from going out of the house to visit their parents except once a month, even though they live in the same neighborhood.” On the other hand, this woman’s {the one who called me} husband is telling her, “Listen, go to your parents, go to your friends, go to your relatives, enjoy yourself.” But she is like, “No, I want my husband and him alone.” So one of the greatest things that can increase your love for your spouse is to turn a blind eye, look in the other direction. If you see something that is awful, look at the bright side. And I know someone who does this. He says that whenever his wife cooks food, it’s always burnt or too salty or inedible, not good for human consumption. And he says that he comes from work to his home shattered, beaten and tired, and just wants a good meal. And when he sits to eat, he finds this food in front of him and from the first bite itself he knows that it is not good. He takes 2 or 3 more bites, drinks water and says to his wife, “Alhamdulillah, may Allah Azza wa Jall reward you for the food, it was beautiful.” So when he says this, his wife says, “Liar! Why do you lie to me? I know that the food is awful even I can’t eat it myself!” So he asks her, “What do you want me to do?” She says, “Do something! Shout, scream, curse; the food is inedible, so why do you eat it?” And he tells her, “Listen my love. I don’t take you out. And I know that you know that your relatives’ husbands take them out. I never take you to a restaurant, I never get you flowers; I never buy you anything. I am always at my gatherings, for Dawah, for lectures, I’m always out of the house.
And you do for me a great job and never complain. Do I then dare and complain about food or about dirty laundry or about the house being messed up? You are tolerating me and the least I can do is to accept and appreciate what you are doing for me! The food is like this, but you did spend 2 hours in the kitchen making it.” The guy is skinny, Ma Sha Allah, they’ve been married for 25 years! She spent 2 hours and this is the best she could do!
So if you accept and tolerate the mistakes of your spouse, your life will be beautiful, In Sha Allah. This is like the Golden Rule. Unfortunately, we are not like this. And it’s not us only. There is a story from the time of the reign of Umar bin Khattab as the Khaleefah, may Allah be pleased with him, of a man who went to Umar’s house to complain about the rudeness and harshness of his wife’s character. His wife was like killing him so he decided to go for marriage counseling and the best one to go to was Umar.
So the man goes and knocks at the door and someone asks, “Who is it?” and he says, “My name is so-and-so and I would like to see the Khaleefah.” So as he is waiting for permission to enter, he hears Umar’s wife shouting at him. And Umar is replying kindly and patiently while his wife is nagging him and Umar is responding kindly to her {Umar who was famous for his fierceness and toughness} so the guy at the door decided to leave. As he was going away, Umar came to attend the guest and he found him giving his back and walking away. So he called him back and asked him why he was leaving.
The man replied, “It is okay, Prince of the Believers. I came to you to solve my problem but I found you have a bigger problem than mine!” So Umar said to him, “Listen, my son, my brother. I tolerate her because she has rights over me. She cooks my food, she bakes my bread, she cleans my clothes and she feeds my children and all of this is not mandatory upon her. It is not an obligation. She is doing this as part of obeying me in what is reasonable. And because of this, my heart tends to be soft towards her. She is my wife, I love her! And also she distracts me from looking at Haraam (i.e., she distracts me from looking at unlawful women) because she is my lawful wife. And that is why I tolerate her behavior.” So the man asked, “What can I do to tolerate my wife, as she is like this as well?”
Umar told him, “My brother, life is short.” And by Allah, life is short. And some brothers, when I relate to them this story and I say “Life is short”, they too say, “By Allah, life is short. Whenever I wake up in the morning and look at my wife’s face, I think, ‘Huh! It’s been 35 years with her now! How did I tolerate this?’ But then I think, ‘This is a Blessing from Allah Azza wa Jall’” But some men come and complain, “Sheikh, wallahi, if you see my wife, you will be shocked to death!” So I say, “Apparently, brother, you have not looked in the mirror recently. Because the same would be her remark about you.” So it goes both ways. As you always see the flaws and shortcomings of others, look at yourself and appreciate those who are tolerating you.
Secondly, among the things that would increase your love for each other is that you do not criticize. Leave criticism alone, even though it is human nature. Do you like people criticizing you? Nobody likes this. Your wife, definitely, is not doing you a favor when she criticizes your driving. You could be driving and she’ll be shouting, “What are you doing? Don’t do this! Watch out for that car!” And you don’t like this, even though she is saying something that is true. Ahmed ibn Hanbal tells us that he had been married to his wife for 20 years. They had agreed not to criticize each other. And so, for 20 years, they never had a dispute between them. 20 years!! Without having a dispute! Subhanallah! Also, I have a friend who has been married for more than 20 years, and he says, “By Allah, I have never ever remained angry with my wife. If she becomes angry, I leave her to cool down and after 5-10 minutes, she comes and kisses my foot, in appreciation for my behavior. And if I become angry, she tries her best to please me and apologizes. And then I go and kiss her forehead.” So this is how you bring love into your life.
The third thing that increases love: consultation. You have to consult your wife and she has to consult you. The worst thing in a wife’s life is negligence; when you neglect her, when you don’t take her opinion while doing things. I get phone calls from women complaining, “My husband changed the living room. He bought a new set of furniture, repainted the room and bought a new LCD.” So I say to them, “You should be grateful.” But they say, “No! He did not even ask me about my taste and he did it completely wrong!” And who lives in that living room more? It is her. So this is bad. Whenever you do something, make them feel that they are part of the family.
If you want to go for a vacation, for example, it would add a lot of value to gather the children, with your wife, and discuss about where they want to go. And you, with your wisdom and diplomacy, can guide them to the place you want, considering the financial status, the time, the weather, etc. And when, after a while, they say that they want to go to this place, you can say, “Ma Sha Allah, you gave me an excellent idea!” The impact on them, because you consulted them, is great. It gives them trust, and whenever you trust someone, they love you. So, we, the husbands, should consult our wives. And this is what the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam did and his wives would give him advise, as in the Treaty of Hudaibiyah. When the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam signed the treaty, he went to his Companions and told them, “Now you have to shave your head and slaughter your sacrifice and then we go back to Madinah.” But nobody did what he instructed them to do. So the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam became angry and went back to Umm Salamah {one of his wives} and said, “Didn’t you see what your people did? They didn’t obey me.” So Umm Salamah told him, “Should I tell you something that if you do, they would obey you?
Go outside and you shave your head and you sacrifice your camels and see what they do.” The minute the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam did this, the Companions jumped at each other, shaving each others’ heads, in compliance with his instructions, because they saw the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam doing it and knew that, now, there is no return. So this was because of the advice of this wise woman; Umm Salamah, may Allah be pleased with her.
Fourthly, you have to show your affection without any reservations. Show your love to your spouse. Express it. And this was one of the complaints of the sister who called me earlier. She said that, no matter what she does, he never talks. He never expresses his feelings. She tells him that she wants to hear from him things like “I love you”, “Thank you, my darling”, “Thank you, honey”. But he never says such things, except when I give him his coffee, he says, “SUGAR” And she says, “Jazak Allah Khair, honey, I love you too.” This is the only time that she hears something sweet {the word SUGAR} from him! So you have to express your feelings to your wife and she has to do the same to you. One might say, “Ya Sheikh, she knows this, I’ve been with her for 40 years. What is it you want me to say to her?” No, it is important that you say this. The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam used to say this to his wife Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her. And he would show this to everyone else, he did not keep it as a secret. Amr ibn Aas, may Allah be pleased with him, came to the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam and asked, “O Prophet of Allah, who among the people do you love the most?” The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam replied, “Aisha” He, Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, didn’t have any reservations in saying this. Some men have reservations in calling their wives names. They call them ‘‘Mrs.’’ or ‘‘Umm so-and-so’’ or ‘‘Umm so-and-so, the daughter of so-and-so’’.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam would find it easy and normal to call his wives and his daughters by their names. So you have to express your feelings. And Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, would express her feelings and would tell the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, “I know that you love me most.” And there is nothing to hide in this, but of course, he would not go to his other wives and say things like “You know that Aisha is no.1 and you guys are no.2, no.3 and so forth!” No, but he would show everybody else that he loved her. To the extent that, Aisha narrates that, when eating with the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, if she took a bite from a piece of meat, he would take this and would look for the traces of her bite marks and bite from there himself. And if she drank from a cup, he would put his lips where she had put her lips on the cup and drink from it. This is beautiful love! And look what we do every day in our homes. When our wives give us a spoon that they had eaten with, we say, “What is this?! It’s dirty! Go wash it! Bring me something clean, where is the hygiene?! Are you crazy?!” So this is wrong. A real husband, a real loving Muslim, would enjoy eating with the same spoon as his wife, would enjoy eating in the same plate and would enjoy drinking from the same cup to show his love to her.
Fifthly, among the things that increases love is: playing. When was the last time you played Scrabble with your wife or badminton or football or Rugby? {Now that’s a good game} It’s fun, you know. One asks, “Why would I do this? What will happen if I see Sheikh Al Bani playing with his wife? What a disgrace!” No, it’s not. The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam used to do it. And he didn’t do it just once, he did it twice. Aisha, the mother of the believers, narrates that during one of the military expeditions, she was with the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam and he told the army to advance and when she and the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam were left behind, the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam asked Aisha, “How about we race?” She accepted the challenge and said, “Yeah, I will take you!” They raced with each other. Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, was then young and light. So she won the race.
The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam did not forget this and so, a few years later, on another journey when the army had advanced and they were left behind, he Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam challenged her to race again. But by then, Aisha had gained weight so when they raced, she lost. So the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam said, “This one for that one, now we are even.” Some may wonder, “What kind of a prophet is he?” We tell them, “He is the perfect human being, playing with his wife.” A lot of men nowadays say to those who play with their wives, “What a shame! Playing with your wife?! Are you a kid or a teenager or something?” FYI: the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam was about 55 years old when he raced Aisha. 55 years old! And he didn’t complain about any handicap or backache or not being able to walk or any such thing. He, Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, was the strongest of men. So this is something you have to start doing now. But you have to do it gradually. Don’t go to your wife and say suddenly, “Let’s go and race!” She might think, “This guy is crazy!
He comes back from a lecture and all of a sudden he’s like, ‘Let’s play! Come on!’” No, you have to take it gradually, express your love, express your feelings then she will be happy and say, “Do you want to marry again?” You have to show your love, unconditional love.
Sixthly, you can play together, but there is something that is more honorable and that is: worshipping Allah together. The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam used to wake his wives and they used to pray Night Prayer together. So it’s not only in the worldly matters like fun, emotions and love that the husband and wife are together and which binds them together, it’s also the love of Allah. That is why the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam said, “May Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up in the middle of the night and also wakes up his wife to pray with him. And if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face {so that she wakes up and prays with him} and she does the same for him and they pray 2 Rak’ahs.” Not pouring a bucketful of water on the face, mind you. Just sprinkling a few drops. We also know that if a man and a woman pray 2 Rak’ahs of voluntary prayer at night, Allah will write them, in the Preserved Tablet, as ‘those who remember Allah a lot, from the men and from the women’. By just praying 2 Rak’ahs of voluntary Night Prayer! How long will it take us? Just a few minutes! But if we do this continuously, the relationship and love between us will grow; because we do not marry only for the sake of money or shelter or clothing but, first and foremost, for the Sake of Allah the Almighty.
Seventhly: giving each other gifts. And this is not only for spouses. If we give gifts to people regularly, they will be more thankful and grateful to us and the love between us will increase. So even if you have an enemy, give him a gift. He will become a friend, Allah Willing. And so, every now and then, you have to give your wife a gift, and she too must do the same if she is able to afford it. But bear in mind that these gifts are not associated to wrong occasions like Valentine’s Day or your anniversary or each others’ birthdays. All of these celebrations are Haraam and un-Islamic. As for the anniversary, as Muslims, we do not celebrate our marriage once a year and be done with it. No, every single day and every single night is a celebration. So you can give your wife a gift any other time to show your love to her.
Eighthly: co-operation in the house. When Mother Aisha, {May Allah be pleased with her}, was asked about what the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam was like at home, she said, “He was a human being like any other human being. He used to clean his clothes, milk his sheep and serve himself.” Whenever I go through this Hadith and come across the words ‘serve himself’, I try to remember: when was the last time I went to the kitchen and got a glass of water for myself? I can’t remember the last time this happened! I’m always like, “Honey, get me a glass of water” or “Go and get me this, go and get me that”, even if she is sitting right next to me! Why? What’s wrong with me? This is wrong. You have to co-operate with your wife. I know a lot of good brothers, Ma Sha Allah, they cook. And they are excellent cooks! I’ve tried their cooking, Ma Sha Allah. And I know brothers who wash the dishes once or twice a week. And I also know brothers who do not want to burden their wives, so they take their clothes to the laundry to get them washed and pressed. I ask them, “Why?” They say, “Alhamdulillah, I have money and I don’t want to burden my wife. It takes a lot of time and effort from her side.” So, the more you do in the house, the more of a man you are. One says, “Washing the dishes?! Putting an apron on?! What is this, Sheikh? I am a Student of Knowledge, Haraam!” No, it’s not. The more you do this, the more of a man you become. Not only in the eyes of your wife but also in the eyes of yourself. Because this humbleness is part of the Prophet’s, Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, characteristics.
Ninthly: avoid selfishness. And this is very important. We men, by nature, are selfish. We love our selves. We love our properties, our cars, our wallets; our money. We always have this feeling that, “These are mine!” So many times I’ve seen brothers, when they are served food and his son, a child, tries to take something from his plate, they get irritated. When asked why, they say, “This is my food! Nobody touches my plate!” This is not cool, it’s not right. You have to be tolerant and you have to be giving. You must not be selfish. Having said that, your target, as a spouse, should be: to please your spouse. And if we make this our target, life will become beautiful, because we’re not waiting to get something in return. You have to give without waiting for something in return. Most of the problems which come to me come to me from people who are generous and giving. But, the problem is that, those who give generously to others usually expect them to give in return. And when this doesn’t happen, all hell breaks loose. Khalaas! Ya Allah, that beautiful, kind, tolerant, giving and generous woman now turns into a lioness! She turns into a vicious monster! Why? She says, “Because I gave, but nobody gave me in return.”
If this is your thinking, then don’t give and don’t retaliate in such a fashion. Or, the other choice is: give, but don’t expect anything in return. And those who give without expecting anything in return, are the richest people on earth! It is because they are so at peace with themselves and with others, so, they just keep on giving. And from the people around them, maybe 10 or 15 would abuse this generosity, but you will find maybe 5 or 3 or even 1 at least giving in return, and this is enough to make the person, who gave first, grateful and content and happy. Because someone gave him something in return, even when he wasn’t expecting anything! But when you give generously to people, expecting everyone to give back and only 1 doesn’t, you feel miserable. So give, without expecting anything in return.
And finally, there are some things that we can do when we have disputes with our spouse. The first thing is: communication. Most of the problems that come to me arise due to lack of communication. The husband thinks something against his wife and he doesn’t clarify it with her by talking to her and it builds up so his memory, his imagination and Shaitan comes and adds fuel to the fire, and the same thing happens with his wife, till the gap widens and divorce becomes eminent. The second thing is: we should be able to forgive, and forget. Don’t live in the past. If something happened that hurt you, throw it behind you. Khalaas, forget it, it’s gone! Don’t live in the ruins, because the only one who is harmed by this is you. The third thing is: we should always try to be the first to apologize.
It’s not a shame. It does not reduce your manhood to apologize when you do a mistake. The Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam told us about the characteristics of the people of Jannah. He, Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam, said, “Among the men, the prophets are in Jannah, the Siddiq are in Jannah, the righteous are in Jannah, the martyrs are in Jannah, and those who go and visit their brothers in Islam {who live far away or in another city}, only for the sake of Allah, are in Jannah. And the women of Jannah are Al Waloodh, Al Wadoodh and Al A’oodh.” Al Waloodh is the woman who gives birth to a lot of children. I meet brothers in the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, Ma Sha Allah, and they have only one kid! {Your line of production is very bad} On the other, I met a brother who is a speaker, and he is my age, and has, Ma Sha Allah, 15 children! One of the Hadith Shuyookh, known as Mustafa Al Adawi, a very famous Egyptian and, Ma Sha Allah, a good Sheikh, he has 20 children! Ma Sha Allah! That’s good.
So the characteristics of the women of Jannah are that they give birth to a lot of children {Al Waloodh}, they are kind to their husbands {Al Wadoodh}, they benefit their husbands {Al A’oodh} and, whenever her husband does her injustice {who’s the aggressor? The husband}, she takes his hand and she says, “By Allah, I will not sleep until you forgive me and you are pleased with me.” He’s the aggressor! Even so, the Prophet Salla Allahu alaihi wa Sallam tells us that the women of Paradise are like this. So if she is doing this when she is the one who is oppressed, then how would she be when she is pleased and at good terms with her husband?
I pray to Allah Azza wa Jall that we benefit from this lecture and that we implement and put these points to practice in our lives. Not only this, but we teach them to our daughters as well, because today’s daughters are tomorrow’s wives. So we have to teach our daughters the rights of their husbands over them and also teach our sons the rights of their wives over them, so that when they get married, they are already prepared.
May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be on our Prophet, his Family and Companions, all of them!
Jazak Allahu Khairan!