Remember when you told me that I will be rewarded for being a one man ummah, yeah.. about that… Now I fear I will be punished for being one man ummah. I don’t feel much support from my _akhi_. There’s so much fitnah! When I go outside, it’s pretty much impossible to not أخطأ. People at school make me mad. The level of _fasad_ in my school is outrageous! Even when I try hard to not أخطأ, I still fall into it. Whether it’s at المدرسة, or سوبر ماركت. Doesn’t matter. The Islamic duties that are incumbent on me are seriously مؤكدا لي. Being a one man ummah is too tough. There’s so much to focus on. All I want is to have khushoo in salah. I’m happy Allah is testing me but I need khushoo. Shaykh, there’s SO much to do. And I fail at pretty much everything. I’ve been trying to get it straight the last 11 months but I failed -as usual. I don’t doubt Allah’s mercy-0 rather, I doubt my ability to be a decent Muslim. It makes me seriously. أقول فقط هذه الاشياء لك.. الغضب في نفسي.