Remember when you told me that I will be rewarded for being a one man ummah, yeah.. about that… Now I fear I will be punished for being one man ummah. I don’t feel much support from my _akhi_. There’s so much fitnah! When I go outside, it’s pretty much impossible to not أخطأ. People at school make me mad. The level of _fasad_ in my school is outrageous! Even when I try hard to not أخطأ, I still fall into it. Whether it’s at المدرسة, or سوبر ماركت. Doesn’t matter. The Islamic duties that are incumbent on me are seriously مؤكدا لي. Being a one man ummah is too tough. There’s so much to focus on. All I want is to have khushoo in salah. I’m happy Allah is testing me but I need khushoo. Shaykh, there’s SO much to do. And I fail at pretty much everything. I’ve been trying to get it straight the last 11 months but I failed -as usual. I don’t doubt Allah’s mercy-0 rather, I doubt my ability to be a decent Muslim. It makes me seriously. أقول فقط هذه الاشياء لك.. الغضب في نفسي.
Such negativity is an indication of lack of trust and dependence on Allah!
With such thoughts, you will never improve as you don’t need Satan to put you down. You are doing that for him pretty well!
Whining and wailing is for women and not for men.
Either you continue to be a man and remain steadfast or join the disbelievers and sinners in living like animals! There is no third choice.
Never despair and never give up hope. Strive in finding the right environment and the good practicing righteous Muslims to be around and abide by the Quran and sunnah and you will be fine.
Khushu doesn’t come over nights! It takes years of perseverance and continuous and relentless efforts to attain it. And once you get it, you will appreciate the effort you put into reaching it.